i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
