also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
