Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
