Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
