Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
