He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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