I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
