Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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