On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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