the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You dont lie about slip and slides
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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