Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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