Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
