dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
