I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
