It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
