Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
