I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
