I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
