a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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