ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
