so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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