its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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