I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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