Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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