I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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