Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
