Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
