How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
