go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
