I feel like abortions should bother me more
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
