I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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