thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
