I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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