The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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