dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
