I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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