The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
