i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Alive.
So much puke
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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