did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
