I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
