Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Randomize
