I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
