The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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