Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
