and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
