I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
