I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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