so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
