wakey wakey hands off snakey
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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