I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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