I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
