The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
