i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
