So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
