I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
